I usually don't like to be very harsh, but this is basically why I'm afraid of writing a second story: lack of creativity.
It's very good that you want to start writing, but there's a lot of improvement you have to make.
First of all, starting any kind of story that isn't meant to be satirical with "My name is -" or any variation of that really turns readers away. Beginning with that kind of line literally insults the reader's intelligence, because it's like saying that the reader isn't smart enough to understand that unless explicitly told. It's annoying and demonstrates a lack of writing skill.
Instead of that kind of line, a more creative way is to tell the reader through dialogue. Instead of "My name is Dave," consider something a bit more interesting like << "Dave! Get down here now." was what my dad greeted me with that morning. >> It makes a lot more interesting because the reader has to go and look for information, even if it's still very obvious.
As for "... and this is my story," that is just painful to read. If this is a story told from the first person narrative point of view, then of course it's his story. What else could it be? That's the kind of irritating thought that crosses a readers mind when seeing this. You don't need to say that because it's obvious. In the less common case where the narrator might be a secondary character instead of the protagonist (main character), even then there are more creative ways of getting the message across that this is another's story and not the narrators. "This is my story" or "this is his story" is annoying and something that you just do not want to write. It's ugly.
Third, please correct your spelling mistakes. I usually don't mind a few spelling mistakes, but I had to go over this thing a few times before I could make out some of the words. Try typing in a program that has a spelling checking feature. I'd have a hard time believing you don't have at least one version of Microsoft Word. Go to the "Tools" menu and "Check Spelling and Grammar" should be the first thing on the list. Please use it. "Siad" instead of "Said" is a mistake that shouldn't appear.
Closely related to spelling is punctuation. New sentences begin with a capital letter. Dialogue in quotation marks start with capital letters with a few exceptions. But as a rule of thumb, use a capital letter.
Don't forget the almighty important grammar as well.
As for writing skills, those are developed with time, so here are a few pointers.
1) Readers are not mind readers.
Readers need background story. It's fun to be thrust into action, but that's a style that's developed with experience. Beginner writers should know this, there is an initial situation at the start of the story. How are things like? Where are we? When? Who? Those should be explained either in a few paragraphs or you can use an entire chapter for that. But tell us what things are like before anything happens. Otherwise, the reader has no idea what is going on. And one sentence isn't good enough.
"Dave then started telling mana about him and his dads relationship come with me and i treat you with respect do you whant to start your whole life all over agian with a loving careing dad siad Mana."
What is their relationship? How is he lacking respect? Tell the readers.
2) And... and... and... and...
Typically, during enumeration, you only use one "and." Some special cases, you might have to use two, but try not to. Also, "he did --- and then he ---- and then he ---" is annoying. Actions shouldn't be enumerated the way objects are. Some cases where the writer wants to demonstrate a repetitive cycle of actions might excuse this.
<< Richard knelt, dug, buried and watered, knelt, dug, buried and watered all morning as he planted the seeds in an orderly row.>>
Even then, the repetition was limited.
I usually don't like being harsh, but if you want to write a good story, then you have a lot of work to do.
Take it little by little. I'd recommend you reading over this first chapter again, and then thinking about what could be improved. Seek help if need be.
One thing that helps is to know where the story is going. Although some writers like to have more free room instead of a very rigid outline, all writers must have a clear idea of what's going to happen next in order to keep the story moving.
Again, take it little by little, but you really have to correct your mistakes.
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Wed Aug 13, 2008 7:19 pm
