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 a very short preview to chapter 1 of my story

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Bluefox

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Number of posts : 113
Age : 23
Localisation : Colorado,USA
Registration date : 2008-07-15

PostSubject: a very short preview to chapter 1 of my story   Thu Apr 09, 2009 11:06 pm

Please give me a chance please dont be harsh like the people on Fox tales times forum.
Chapter 1

a average 16-year-old was walking to the pier with the breeze blowing through his brown hair; he was wearing blue jeans and a red t-shirt, his name was Jake. Jake walked to a fruit stand and grabbed an apple for himself. He pulled some money from his wallet and after paying the owner, walked off with the apple in his hand. He then saw something stunning, a griffin in the sky. He loved fantasy books and his nose was always in a fiction book of some kind. He had also always believed in the unknown and in magic. He started running right after the griffin, people giving confused looks as they watched Jake run by. He soon entered a forest and stopped, hiding behind a bush he looked up slightly to see the griffin right in front of him. The griffin was crying and he could hear it from the bush as he ducked back down. He looked up slightly again to see that the griffin was covered with cuts and very bloody. He started sneaking toward the griffin, trying not to frighten the hurt creature, but the lion-eagle then gets up and notices him, cowering away in fear. Jake gets as close as he can and starts petting the griffin, try to get it to stay calm.
"Thanks for the help to have me stay calm my name is Zigerwrath what is yours?" said Zigerwrath smiling now through his bloody pelt.

"My name is Jake and how can you talk i thought mythical creatures did not exist" said Jake. stunned and scared in a great beast like Zigerwrath.

" well we hide from society because if we didn't we would be hunted and tested on and we can talk because we are advance in stuff like you humans " said Zigerwrath still smiling very brightly.
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kaiskune
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Number of posts : 464
Age : 29
Localisation : UK
Registration date : 2006-10-24

PostSubject: Re: a very short preview to chapter 1 of my story   Fri Apr 10, 2009 3:34 pm

well... your title is about right... its very... short

i cant promise to be nice because i don't sugarcoat what i think. its too fast, boring and seriously lacks any descriptive attention.

if you've haven't posted it on FTT then until you work on it more don't bother. they will tear it apart like they usually do.

saying all that if you work on it it has a good chance of being a decent story. keep working at it

previews need to be very gripping if you intend to excite people over a new story. find a booksale web site and if they have free previews of the books for sale read them and you'll get an idea of what your lacking
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Riolu

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Number of posts : 1610
Age : 27
Localisation : Attempting to keep Sai from driving Kyle insane.
Registration date : 2009-03-03

PostSubject: Re: a very short preview to chapter 1 of my story   Wed Apr 15, 2009 9:13 am

This is getting better bro. I can still help you if you'd like but you've made some improvements just by looking at it. I'll have more helpful advice when I've got the time to look over it. Been gone for five days so I've got to check everything out.
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