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 Tales Of Light

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Light The Fox

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Number of posts : 249
Age : 18
Localisation : Florida
Registration date : 2010-12-28

PostSubject: Tales Of Light   Wed Apr 06, 2011 3:42 pm

The water rippled. Screams filled the air as gunshot was heard. Footsteps were heard running through the puddles of water. Two figures could be seen running through a thick forest.
‘’…Why now…..why?.....’’ The voice said, obviously male. ‘’Just keep running, Light! Were almost at the Mythril Sewers way point. Once were there we can hide in the shelter hidden in the walls.’’ Yelled Light’s friend.

‘’I know…its just….we lost so many for this worthless cause!’’ Light yelled over to his friend.
‘’Why does it matter? The cause may have been worthless…though we have lost this battle…we will win this war!’’ His friend yelled back.
Light was a white furred fox with black zigzags on his wrists, ears, and his tail. He had cyan blue eyes and was wearing jeans, a white t-shirt, and a black overcoat.
His friend was a cat with brown fur. He had emerald eyes and was wearing pants and a black shirt.
The two of them both held some sort of weapon. Light held a blood stained gun blade and his friend held a AK-47.
Gunshot was heard closer to them. They could hear their own heart beat. The thought of the impending doom of death scared them.
‘’Stop in the name of the law of Nesgar!’’ A voice yelled behind them. ‘’You two are under arrest for the death of Queen Aliora!’’
‘’****, It’s the general!’’ Light yelled.
‘’Don’t worry,Light. I’ll hold him back. I want you to escape at any means necessary.’’ Yelled his friend.
‘’…….,thank you…., Kai…’’ Light whispered. He ran and jumped rolling off behind a bush. He got up and brushed himself off. ‘’All I need to do is kill a trooper. Then I can infiltrate the castle and finish my business…..kill the entire royal family…’’ Light said to himself.
_____________________________________________________________________________________

Much further into the enemy territory. ‘’ I lost him…. My own comrade… DAMN IT!’’ A wolf yelled punching a tree. ‘’……OW!’’ He yelped in pain. ‘’ Note to self, never punch trees.’’
‘If only they were here…. Light…. Kai…. let the king’s seal bring you luck.’ The wolf thought to himself.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
‘Things have not gone my way….oh well…..new plans to come….
_____________________________________________________________________________________
Light breathed heavily. Several hours had passed. He was currently in the enemy territory’s capital city signing up tp become apprentice to a warrior . He had been lucky enough to find a secret entrance into the city and find a change of clothes that fit into this city. He was sitting in a lobby waiting to be called. Beforehand he had gone to an area where he had fake information filled out and somehow got it into the city’s system. ‘’Light Iria, please come to the test room.’’ Said the intercom. Another addition to everything was that he dyed his fur completely black. ‘Ah, I just love those immigrants. Entering information for money. So wonderful.’ Light thought to himself.
He walked into this so called ‘Test Room’ and took a seat. ‘’ Hello? Anybody in here?’’ He asked trying to sound innocent.
Light then looked at his surroundings. The floor was covered with a red carpet or possibly blood. He was sitting in a wooden chair which was positioned opposite to the office chair on the other side of the desk. The desk was made out of refined wood completely and had several compartments and many notes cluttering the top of it. Out of nowhere the wall seemed to magically open and a older feline walked in. Though by now, Light had figured out that there was a light colored metal that was a rim around the door that seemed to mix in with the wall.
‘’So, you seem to think you can be recruited out of nowhere in the middle of a national crisis.’’ The feline spat. ‘’Well, If you want this position you’ll have to work for it. I want you to go into the’ Fighting Simulation Room’ and take down at least 29 enemies. Though be warned these stupid holograms will probably injure you badly. Now at least try and not be another one of those pathetic weaklings who ran out. ‘’ The feline stated before picking Light up by the scruff of his shirt and carrying him to the ‘FSR’. The feline then threw Light into the room with no weapons.
Light gulped. He had to not show that he had the power of an elite officer like this feline. Or else he could be found out. He decided he would pathetically fight these holos’ and win but just barely win.
_____________________________________________________________________________________

He had lost grasp of his weapon and the enemy smiled. ‘’Wait, I surrender! Please don’t kill me I can tell you anything you want. I mean I am the prince of Mythril’s advisor. So for sure I would know everything you want to know.
‘’ Heh, heh, so your willing to betray your entire nation, eh?’’ asked the high authority officer.
_____________________________________________________________________________________
End Chapter 1: Pointless Solution
(The epic music I pick for this is called, Scias. It is from the Ys 7 game for the PSP. To listen to the song….find it on YouTube or something.)


Now please give me some comments on what you think!
This story shall not die and will not die. Though I'll have some twists up my sleeve.
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Lig
Head Kitten
Head Kitten
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Number of posts : 11138
Age : 29
Localisation : Pensalvania USA
Registration date : 2006-10-15

PostSubject: Re: Tales Of Light   Fri Apr 08, 2011 9:15 pm

Well Lets see where to begin. It seems you've got an ambition for a bit of a futuristic scifi thing with waring nations. But There's some major issues here.

Firstly we have no idea what is going on, who these characters are, and know nothing about the world this story takes place in. Now I understand you probably wanted to go with something actiony to grab attention but you need to follow that up with some information. Maybe an internal monologue that would let us know a little of what's going on.

Second this is pretty short for a chapter and the way it's broken up isn't helping the clarity of the story. It probably would have been a better idea to focus on the initial two.

Lastly and this is more of a minor thing which probably would make sense if we knew more about the situation happening. But that Older feline at the end doesn't really make much sense. I mean if they're in a national crisis than odds are they'll need soldiers and I can't imagine them turning up their nose at you like that. Besides it's not like once they recruit you they'd put you in a high ranking position. No you'd start out in training and than would have to work your way up the ranks. It's not like your initially going to be privy to sensitive information or anything.

Well at any rate I wish you luck with the rest of the story.

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My dearest friends are those who I have yet to even meet but I feel as if I've known them for years. You guys are my best buddys but you Kiru most
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Chinook

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Number of posts : 257
Age : 26
Localisation : Vancouver BC
Registration date : 2010-09-04

PostSubject: Re: Tales Of Light   Fri Apr 08, 2011 9:48 pm

I have to side with Lig here... there are some major issues in this even as short as it is:

1) Confusion:
We really have no idea what's going on, now that's fine if you're going to clear it up shortly but an intro like that is really hard to pull off. We have a bit of exposition between Light and his friend, but that doesn't make a lot of sense in their situation, I mean why are they summing it up to eachother when they clearly already know? And it isn't very enlightening at that. And the bit at the end where it just quantum leaps arround to 4 different places is really quite off putting.

2) World basics
Exactly what kind of world are you going for here? I mean out of the gate I thought it was something fantasy or semi-modern, but then someone is wearing a t-shirt which blows that away. Then one person has an ak-47, a real weapon, and someone else has a "gunsword" which I have no idea what you're going for there... then a moment later we have holograms and training sims. This just doesn't fit togeathe that well.
Addendum: on the subject of the weapons bit, you say "Some kind of weapon" in one sentence, then in the very next one tell us what they are... kind of a redundant sentence.

3) Plot:
We don't really have a sense of what's going on, it's related to the first one (confusion) but more has to do with the overarching goals of the story. We don't know who thse factions are, why they ar efighting, who th majer antagonist or protagonists are, guessing the protagonist is Light but that's just self evident really..

4) Characters:
It's an easy pitfall to get into, know I've done it, but you have to remember to give your readers a reason to care about your characters. They are NEVER as invested in them as you yourself are. Right now we have an appearance for two characters and not much else, we have no idea who these people are and have no real reason to care.

5) Structure:
Call me a pretencious git if you like, but you really need to work on some paragraph structure in here... I mean in afore mentioned quantum leaping bit you have entire scenes told within 3 sentences with not much else.

Sorry if I'm being a bit harsh here... but you posted it up...
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Light The Fox

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Number of posts : 249
Age : 18
Localisation : Florida
Registration date : 2010-12-28

PostSubject: Re: Tales Of Light   Sat Apr 09, 2011 2:06 am

I don't mind your comments at all. In fact I accept critism with open hands. I mean as longs as your not hating/flaming on me I don't mind.
One thing though,
I was not planning him being high ranked. I was planning him if this started out well enough for him to be apprentice, which in this case is the lowest rank.
Second,
Most characters won't be used.I didn't know what I was thinking about when I wrote this chapter.

Now finally,
Light is the protagonist but at the same time the antagonist. In short terms, he is the prince of the kingdom,Mythril.
Mythril being am evil kingdom. I was making it seem like Nesgar, the opposing kingdom was the evil one. Though in the dark hours of the Great Storms(I think i called them that) they all gathered in one area even with the differences. My ideas were loosely based off Death Note(With Light also being the antag and the kingdoms grouping in one area. This idea was loosely based off the Warriors series.

On a second note,
I had the lines to seperate my scenes so its not one big jumble of text.

Now onto future released plans.
Kai betrays his kingdom.
The wolf character is killed.
Much more.

Now onto the character idea I had.
I would at least like one person to volunteer a character or just leave some name suggestions.

To finish this off I have to say this.
This chapter could have been much longer but I'm extremely nervous as I have to do a speech sometime next week(glad it was not this week for me). So I am sorry for any miss spellings,short chapters,and un-needed characters.
For any more information on the story(As in you want to know about some plot holes and my jumping around) please contact me by PM or adress the question on the Discussion page for the story.


EDIT:
The thing about the world. It is basically a mix of many worlds. Sort of like a mix on modern and fantasy and soon to be un-reality. When I say 'un-reality' I am referring to my realm idea of a place called 'Void'. The concept in still in my early processing and still needs some work.

Weapons will vary from real to fantasy.
Gunblade: A modern weapon in this world. (For more information look this weapon up.)
AK-47: A weapon unknown to this world. It was rumored to be found in the 'Void' when a Mythril soldier had found it patroling their part of the realm.

Void:
A realm of nothingness. But yet a realm of everything. This is where every realm meets. This is where they are created and destroyed. Only the surface of this realm has been found and claimed by the kingdoms. Each hold one-fourth of the world.
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